3:30 p.m.: I sign up for a 7-day juice detox at a Lekki juice shop. Although no one asks about my medical history, they do ask for my money. They tell me to expect a delivery of 6 juices per day to be drunk at 2 hour intervals from 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. I am not meant to consume anything other than these 42 juices this week. In the early morning, I am allowed to drink hot water with lemon or ginger.
6:00 a.m.: What is the point of waking up when there is no coffee? I try a cup of hot water with lemon and feel wretched.
9:00 a.m.: My first daily juice arrives. It is made of beets, carrots, apples, cabbage, pumpkin leaves and ginger. It is bright red and tastes like rotting grass.
11:00 a.m.: The orange-coloured juice is a blend of carrots, apple and ginger. I drink it then fall asleep so I don’t have to think about my juice fast.
1:00 p.m.: The ingredients of this green juice are apples, cucumbers, spinach and parsley. I’m not hungry yet. I feel optimistic about surviving the week.
3:00 p.m.: This one is the bright yellow of a Piña colada and to my amazement, just as yummy. I suck down the blend of pineapple, green apple, lime, and cilantro in under a minute.
5:00 p.m.: The mix of green apple, cucumber, celery, spinach and lemon juice tastes like wood chips. My daughter roasts a chicken and tears spill out of my eyes. It is not food envy. The oven is smoking.
7:00 p.m.: My final juice of the day is lettuce, celery, cucumber and apple and tastes like a liquefied salad. Day one done and it’s going great!
7:00 a.m.: My usual brisk walk with my husband is a slow stroll today.
8:55 a.m.: I feel hungry and woozy. I cook my husband some eggs, forget about the fast and nearly eat them off the frying pan.
1:00 p.m.: After drinking the green 1:00 p.m. allotment, I fall asleep. I am exhausted.
3:24 p.m.: Is juicing healthy? Should I have researched this before beginning?
5:15 p.m.: I am nauseous.
12:00 a.m.-6:00 a.m.: I am up urinating and nursing a monstrous headache all night.
11:45 a.m.: I am too weak to write or study.
3:00 p.m.: My bones hurt. My body aches. I roast vegetables and a beautiful piece of fish for my family’s dinner.
5:00 p.m.: I stand in the kitchen and stare at the fish for a long time.
6:00 p.m.: I’M SO COLD.
7:00 p.m.: The juices keep coming. I take some pain medication and crawl into bed.
9:00 a.m.: A rash has emerged around my lips.
3:00 p.m.: My foot cramps. My stomach makes weird noises like I swallowed a cat.
4:04 p.m.: I am in so much pain. Forget this. I have to eat solid food.
4:05 p.m.: THESE FIVE CASHEWS ARE THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER.
5:15 p.m.: My physician dad scolds me for putting the heath of my readers at risk, as if I have legions of followers who copy everything I do.
5:58 p.m.: My joints are aggravated and it hurts to walk. The rash now covers my cheeks.
6:00 a.m.: I decide to modify my juice fast due to my failing health. I have a boiled egg and a cup of coffee.
7:00 a.m.: During my morning walk, I am energetic and chatty for the first time in days.
11:00 a.m.: While getting my son’s shoe fixed, a woman at the cobbler’s shop tells me I look radiant, mistaking my rash for the bloom of good health.
3:36 p.m.: My body needs protein. My daughter roasts a chicken and I eat a hunk of it.
9:30 a.m.: The juice shop has made a mistake. They are closed Sundays and forgot to tell me. I rejoice.
10:00 a.m.: I drink a second cup of coffee and eat some bacon. Then I eat bacon wrapped in more bacon.
4:00 p.m.: I eat and eat. After a day off of juice, my bone pain disappears and my rash begins to heal.
5:40 p.m.: My husband watches premiership football while I snuggle with him and drink a glass of red wine. It is heavenly.
5:55 a.m.: I wake up refreshed. For the first time since beginning the detox, I haven’t woken up every hour to pee.
6:00 a.m.: I have an egg and some coffee.
11:00 a.m.: Today the juice is extra gingery and burns my throat. The juice shop is out to get me. They want me dead. The time to kill me is running short so they are getting more serious.
7:09 p.m.: Hell is a juice fast.
6:00 a.m.: I toast the last day of my juice fast with an egg and cup of coffee.
2:00 p.m.: I eat some peanuts.
7:00 p.m.: After finishing my last juice, I have to admit the fast had some benefits. I lost 2kg. I felt energetic once I added small portions of solid food. I also had a chance to contemplate my dietary habits and my lifestyle in general. I would do it again but not for an entire week.
Mona Zutshi Opubor is an Indian-American and Nigerian short story author and memoirist. She is studying for her MSt in Literature and Arts at the University of Oxford.
Read more at www.monazutshiopubor.com
Suddenly the music gets louder and all the waiters stop what they are doing and begin clapping...